she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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