I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
