You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
