So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize