My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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