I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
