Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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