Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
