there's paper in my vomit.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
