fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
