we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
