I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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