I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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