Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
