this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
