I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
