I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
