We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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