I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
