Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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