My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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