I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
