i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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