I'm going to jail i love you
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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