I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
