it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
farters have to be the big spoon...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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