I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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