I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
