If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize