I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
pop tarts are not kleenex
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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