I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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