The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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