Four minutes until I can fart!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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