I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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