cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
