she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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