so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
