5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
