a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
