Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
