No stitches, just platelets and will power
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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