your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
