1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
