They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
