He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
