I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I AM VODKA MAN
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
