i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
