If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i think my mom watched the whole time
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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