'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i think my mom watched the whole time
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
