fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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