he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
