At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
