I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
