hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
