I can text with my tongue
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
