I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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