Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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